Being a good little meme sheep I jumped on the formspring bandwagon as it found its way through my social circle. I will post the responses here if the question asked is something I feel passionate enough about to wax on. If you want to ask a question or give me something to write about go here: http://www.formspring.me/puzzle0807

Q: What’s wrong with today’s society? A little open-ended, I know, but you said you wanted to write…

A: People don’t think for themselves. We are spoon feed all kinds of information that is incomplete or just plain wrong and we aren’t taught to think critically about any of it. There is this unwillingness for people to stop and question ANYTHING about what they believe or why they believe it. You see it in relationship structures, in eating choices, in politics, but most harmful is the inability we have as a society to critically think about religion.

Dependence on religion is the single most harmful example of a lack of critical thinking skills. I am an atheist, but I am also anti-theistic. I really believe that dependence on a hysterical emotional vision that relies on schizophrenic discourse to the exclusion of all other logic to be harmful to the individual and on our society.

I came from a place where I wanted that hysterical dependence very much and tried to make it work for me because the idea of getting comforted by something larger than me, having that responsibility taken off my shoulders, was appealing. Why wouldn’t it be? Sadly, it’s just not true and no matter of trying to convince myself otherwise made it possible to turn a blind eye to the logical fallacies and control mechanisms inherent in all religions.

Like our ancestors before us, the ones who created the myths to explain bits of the world they just couldn’t understand, there will always be bits of the universe we don’t fully understand, but none of them are supernatural. I see and hear people say things like “let go and let god” or “it’s all part of god’s plan” and I cringe in frustration. There is no one out there who is going to deal with your shit for you and the sooner you take the reins and do it yourself the more likely that it will find resolution through something other than entropy.

Beyond the wars and violence that can be attributed to religious fervor, it’s destructive to our society because it keeps us from moving forward. Myths were created out of a deep lack of experience in our natural world. As we have moved through history we have gained so much information, so much perspective that we have explanations for the phenomena that our ancestors saw as magic and yet still we have this refusal to let go of those outdated traditions in the face of a real constantly developing understanding of the way the world works.

Outside of science, there is also a refusal to release the control that religion has on us as a society in relation to our accepted moral code. We have allowed a work of fiction to help us create legislation and inform our ideas of what is ‘acceptable’ for us as a society.

(This is the shortest version of this answer. I am thinking and writing more about this, so thanks to whomever asked it. )

Q: Do you ever wonder if your version of poly is more similar to serial (or overlapping) monogamy than polyamory?

A: No.

I do think that at many points over the last seven-ish years I have wondered if I was being true to what I really wanted from my relationships, as that kind of gut checking remains important to me. I have wondered if it would just be easier to accept the lumped on expections of monogamy than to continue to have to talk through every freaking aspect of my relationship choices, but as I talked through them and learned where my desires and boundaries met I have to talk about them less. I have wondered if I am ever going to have another relationship outside the one I have now, but that mostly comes from a lack of self-esteem and my occasional deisre to throw myself tiny pity parties.

My version of poly: I think that in the most general of terms my relationships are and will be poly because I am not willing to agree to limit myself to only one sexual or emotionally connected relationship just to maintain that relationship. That is for me the base difference between the expectation of a mono relationship and that of a poly one.

After a long period of time where I willing entered into relationships formed on a basis of control based agreements I now understand that those boundaries result in a loss, not a gain for me.

In my current relationship with Robert I have had the opportunity to pratice having the kind of relationship I idealized, one that is based in mutal interest and respect and nothing else. No more vetoes or condom compacts or permission (asked or granted). The only person who is going to be able to say ‘no’ to my choices is me and I don’t want to ever go back to any other system.

Q: Have you considered trying a little porn?

A: Actually, yes. The longer I am unemployed the harder I think about the reality of that happening. I have a friend who is a porn star and conversations with her got me to thinking about why I can’t imagine actually doing it.

It boils down to a philosophical understanding versus an emotional reaction. On the philosopical side, I support porn as an industry, I like porn, amateur porn especially, I even can see the act of doing porn as empowering. On the emotional side, the idea of taking my clothes off and having to put myself up to judgement based only on my physical self to be entirely, hysterically, overwhelmingly frightening.

Like most women I have been brainwashed by media and culture and my family to believe that only women who are tiny, skinny, and perfect are beautiful and should be in porn (or in a tank top or a dress or out at all). Fatty or BBW porn is seen as a deviant sexual behavior and subject to the ridicule of the general population.

Overall, I consider myself to be intelligent, hell even enlightened, and mostly able to recognize bad patterning in my thoughts and in my actions. I can recognize the self-esteem and rejection issues I have as bad patterning and more often than not I fake it til I make it and attempt to not let my internal insanity effect my experiences. I can recognize my sex life as healthy and freaking fantastic, I can recognize that I am desired by those outside me, I can recognize that I am not inherently unattractive. Unfortunately all of the logic in the world doesn’t apply when the more emotional parts of my personality take the reigns and I look at myself in the mirror only able to pick myself apart.

My ego in those areas is fragile and I tend to guard it. It’s been a journey for me over the last several years to find a positive place with my body image. I don’t diet anymore, I try not to let the negative mantras cycle, I have found a realistic body size where I am comfortable most of the time and I recognize that no matter how much weight I loose, I will never be a skinny girl. However, in all this I have never gotten to a place where I really find myself attractive consistantly enough to be able to enjoy photos of myself fully clothed, much less without my clothes on

Q: “The one constant in all your dysfunctional relationships is you.” How does this quote apply to you?

A: At some point in the last 5 years or so I stopped attempting to find my validation externally and started focusing inward so that my validation was dependant on no one but me. I never plan to be completely free of the desire for the external validation; there is worth in the opinions of those I trust and respect, but it has resulted in my ability to see the amount of dysfunction I added to my relationships because I relied too heavily on my relationships to feel validated.

I can recognize that I also have tended to continue in relationships far past their point of usefulness. If the relationship ceases to grow and develop as time progresses then likely its not worth continuing in and changing or exiting gracefully means the difference between burning piles of belongings and being friends and meaning it.

To this date, I have not been very good at keeping my exes as friends, but I have reached at least a resolution with all of them that left me without regret.

Certainly I will say that my current relationship with Robert is a direct result of the awareness I have of HOW dysfunctional I have been in relationships past, because I am very careful not to repeat those patterns in this relationship.

Occasionally I am still passive-aggressive, I still allow my imagination to get the best of me and I still really want to run for the hills, but now those occasions are fewer and they cause a dissonance in my own head.